I try to post normally about happy things. Crafting. Recipes. Decor. Amazing Places. Stuff. But today, I am just keeping it real.
Picking up Cooper is always a joy. He runs to me and hugs me and pulls me excitedly to show me what he painted, drew, created that day. Always happy for me to be there.
Lily I noticed the last couple of days was less and less giddy to see me when I picked her up. Yesterday was the worst.
I came in, and yes it is a bit chaotic with normally 5 other kids there at that time to distract her, but Lily hardly noticed my presence. I picked her up and kissed her as she tugged away reaching for the ground grunting. I let her go back down and she happily went back to playing. I grabbed her things, talked about her day and tried picking her up again. This time she really wriggled to get out of my arms. Holding her sideways as she struggled to get out of my arms I said goodbye and Shannon walked with me to the door. Lily was reaching for Shannon giving her high fives and even gave her a big wet kiss.
I should be happy that she loves Shannon so much and loves being there so much. I am. But, I am also feeling depressed and angry at myself. Very much so actually. Feelings of inadequacy are tearing me up. I want to be the one playing with her each day. Feeding her. Reading to her. Napping with her. Loving her. Discovering the world with her. Being her mother. Instead it is Shannon.
I get Lily in the hard hours of the day. Where she is tired and I am tired and dinner must be made, baths taken. She wants to go to sleep so early. She needs to in fact. But that is hard for me. I am not being a real mother. Just a provider. That doesn't give me warm fuzzes.
Why can't I come up with some ingenious blog or craft or invention so I can be a mom and provider? Surely there is a way. These are the thoughts that are constantly going through my mind. A cure for my guilt.
Our plan is for one of us to stay home in two years. We're working our butts off now to get there. Two years seems so long. Too long. Two years of the most tender precious baby years we're missing. We will get there though.
For now, I know to focus on the positive. Enjoy my time with the kids and make it quality time. Focus on the good I do. Find the positives, the silver lining in everything. I'm working on it. Just having one of those moments.