October 25, 2012

This Poo Shall Tass

The last ten months have been crazy.  We moved to Germany in December 2011, me 8 months pregnant, new jobs, new home (not until we'd lived in a hotel over the holidays for 2 months), and into the bleak cold winter.

A lot has changed/happened since moving here. Cooper started school and being taken care of by others. Lillian was born. We started 2 new jobs. Everything different. I was a stay at home mom for a brief glorious 8 weeks.  We had a nanny. We had grandparents. We had a friend watching the kids. A constant flux of change.

I'm worn out. The kids are worn out. Its time for routine and something stable. What that is, who that will be, I don't know. All I do know is that we need it. Structure.

Yesterday was my first day bring Lillian to day care. A family child care provider to be specific. The Army trains/certifies mothers in military housing to take care of kids at home. Better than a daycare I feel because at least there aren't so many kids and she gets more attention and is at a house, not a building. We both had a rough day. She barely slept, and when I picked her up, she was just worn out. I held her and carried her all around the house. She didn't want to let me go. I think she was afraid I might leave her. Broke my heart. She went down for the night at 6. She couldn't stay up for her favorite time of the day, dinner and bathtime. She was just too worn out. Physically and emotionally. I wanted to crawl in the crib with her and snuggle her and have more time with her.

Cooper woke with his normal "Do we have to go to work or school today". With my "Yes, both," he wailed and hit me crying that I was wrong. "Today is Saturday," he kept yelling. "I wish it was, I wish every day was Saturday, Cooper".  After some cheering up I raced out the door with Lily to drop her off again. This time I couldn't linger an hour with her. I could feel myself choking up driving over there. The two other babies there came to play with her immediately and she smiled. I kissed her goodbye and she didn't seem to notice. Please take a nap today. Please be well loved and happy my baby girl.

Frank wrote me this morning about Cooper and dropping him off at school. He too misses us. He is in school all day. Longer than I ever was at his age or even in gradeschool! My mom stayed at home. Frank's mom stayed at home. I'm so anxious for the day when one of us can stay at home again too. There are so many precious moments with the kids right now. Hate missing any of them because they pass so quickly. Lately I am constantly wishing for the future or missing the past instead of living in the present and enjoying each moment.

As my mom always tell me, "This Poo Shall Tass". Her dad would say it to her. Just a little family humor to the ever so true "This Too Shall Pass". Yes, it shall. But I don't want my kids growing up to pass. Just the difficulties/stresses we are facing right now. Struggling with being a good mother and want to be better. I want more time with my kids. I want to not be exhausted when I pick them up or stressed or rushing them around. I know I must be positive and strong and be happy when I pick up the kids and  give them 100% me for the wee few hours I have with them in the evenings.  And pack in the fun times on the weekends. It just leaves little time for Frank and me or exercise or sleep for that matter. Life is so unbalanced at the moment. We'll get there though. This Poo Shall Tass.

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